I have been serving the Lord my whole life- since I was four years old, in fact. There was a Sunday school where I gave my life to God, where I decided that I didn't want to live without this awesome Jesus guy that everyone kept talking about. And yet, while God has done so much in me and through me, for much of my life I have only scraped the surface, only scratched a little of who God is.
I've decided recently that it's simply not enough. It's either all in or nothing. I want to dive in deep into who God is.
Thankfully, as per the norm, God is one step ahead of me, because He has spent my whole life showing me different aspects of Himself.
Maybe I started to get it when I was 12, and I started speaking in a heavenly language that I couldn't understand.
Maybe I really connected with God when He healed my asthma, and gave me dreams and visions and hope for a future beyond high school.
Maybe it was later in high school, when concussions and health concerns almost made me quit high school. He carried me through then, and let me tell you, it was like a dream. One that should have been a nightmare, and tried REALLY HARD to be, but somehow never succeeded.
Maybe it was this summer, when He gave me such an intense revelation of my daughterhood, that my heart is finally starting to grasp. In India He showed me His heart for me. Then He expanded and showed me His heart for orphans and street children. Talk about WOW.
I could tell you other times, like right now, when I am going through senior classes and millions of questions about "what are you going to do after graduation," and countless other thoughts on life... And yet I keep finding myself in these quiet places where all I can notice is the peaceful way my heart sits, regardless of the breeze.
Regardless of when exactly my Dad (the Heavenly One) started showing me Himself, I know for sure what my desire is. I may not have a clue what I am doing after May 1st, where I'll be next year, or even if I'll make it through this semester.... But I do know where I want my vision to be.
I wrote a blog about pennies (found on my other blog). I found one today and was shocked at the vision to be found in one small item. I do want that kind of vision for my life. I want to be able to dream big, and dream small... But mostly, I want my vision to be focused on Jesus.
So here's my wish (I know, took me long enough, right?). It's pretty simple: I want to live my life with my gaze FIXED on Jesus Christ, my Dad. If He is in front of me, I want to be doggedly pursuing His exact footsteps, with my gaze no where but right on His back. If He is behind me, I will slow down to be with Him, or walk backwards if there is no other course! If He is next to me, I'll probably hold His hand, because I really like physical touch. (lol, it is possible. In the spiritual sense, but none the less Possible). And if He is carrying me, I might not always be able to look, but I will listen for that heartbeat, and let mine join with His.
It's pretty simple, really. Yet I will spend the rest of my life working towards this goal. The good news is I am not alone, and I am not WORKING to gain His attention or to please me. Jesus' love for me is the same yesterday, today, and forever, AND it is always enough. Even more, He is actively seeking me and helping me.
So Be Thou My vision, Oh Lord of My Heart!
Naught be all Else to me, save that thou art;
Thou be my best thought, by day or by night,
waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.
Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word;
I ever with Thee, and Thou with me, My Lord.
Thou My Great Father, and I Thy true daughter,
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise;
Thou mine inheritance, now and always;
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven's joys, Oh Bright Heaven's Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, oh ruler of all.
I will Be Still, and know that He is God, and I will praise Him with all that I am.
There is no other way that I wish to live.
(To give credit where credit is due--
Be Thou My Vision is a classic and very old
Irish Hymn, and Be Still is both tattooed
onto my wrist, and a reference to Psalm 46:10.)